6 months

Safiya has been with us for 6 months.  With any child 6 months is a big milestone.  At 6 months, a biological child is just starting to sit up.  They are a little more independent.  They are, hopefully, sleeping a little more.  At 6 months you start to feel a little more human.  6 months home with Safiya and we have our own milestones.  6 months ago, she couldn't roll over.  Now she can walk.  6 months ago she didn't make eye contact with us.  Today she gave me a kiss for the first time. 6 months ago she didn't sleep through the night.  Oh right, that's still happening.   6 months ago she could only eat 2 oz at a time.  Now she can eat adult food.  6 months ago, she lived thousands of miles away.  And today she is home.  So much is going through my head about these last 6 months.  And although I love to make you all think this blog is for you,  it's also for my kids.  Call it a makeshift baby book.  So, here are some thoughts I have about these last 6 months.  Thoughts that surprised me.



Guilt
I can't believe the amount of guilt I have at various times.  It started in Ethiopia.  Overwhelming guilt that we were taking her away from her country.  From her people.  That we took her away from the only caregiver she had ever known.  We talked about this with our agency director and her response was simple "You have seen her alternative".  And she was right.  The other day I had this overwhelming thought and said to Benjy "If she hadn't come home, I wonder if anyone would have ever known how smart she is.  How much potential she has".  And then I was overcome with guilt for having that thought.

There is also guilt for Makenna.  I know the bratzilla she was heading to be being an only child.  And I knew we were about to rock her world when we were getting off of the plane after traveling for 2 days to introduce her to her sister.  I feel guilty for the decreased mommy time she now gets.  For the hours and hours of television she has watched while I put the baby down for various naps.  I feel guilty when I look forward to Fridays because she is at school and I have 1 on 1 time with Safiya.   Oh those days are so much easier.   I feel guilty when she says things like "People sure do love the baby" after the millionth person has talked to and commented on Safiya when we are out in public.  Maybe, that's sadness for her.  It's a grey area.  I could kiss the people who address Makenna first.  It's few and far between but I KNOW those people get it.  I feel guilty when I lose my patience with her for her obvious attention getting techniques.

I feel guilty for being a white mommy with a brown baby.  I don't know if I can educate myself enough. I don't know how to do her hair.  Although I just bought my first sample kit to try out some new products.  I feel guilty because I didn't know the purplish blotch on her back was a Mongolian Spot.  My friend had to tell me.  I feel guilty because I didn't know if she needed sun screen.



Regret
That sounds like such a harsh word.  And let me preface this by saying that feeling came in the early days.  Those first days and even weeks home were hard. Really Really hard.  And more than once I had the feeling of "what have I done."  I wanted it so much and now I couldn't believe I had wanted it.  It's hard to go from sleeping to not sleeping.  To go back to devoting every second of my day to someone else.  To go back to wondering when the last time I showered or brushed my teeth was.  And to do all of that with a little person who wanted NOTHING to do with me made it so much worse.  It is so hard to rock a baby to sleep who refuses to look at you.  It's hard to hold her when she is pushing against you.  Because of her malnutrition, she had never had a full belly.  So once she knew that was an option, she would scream.  And I mean scream.  Like a sheep being murdered in our house.  The neighbors would hear her.  Once she would eat, her tummy would hurt because she wasn't use to having that much food.  So she would do the scream to get more food.  But she wasn't hungry, she just thought she was.  The only way to make the scream stop was to feed her.  See the cycle?  Those days were the worst.  I couldn't imagine a time when that would end and I would feel happy to hold this screaming baby.  Obviously, they ended.

Bitterness/Grateful 

I'm really really bitter at our agency. Even though we had an incredibly smooth adoption considering what the alternatives are, they screwed up.....a lot.  The amount of stress we had at some points was completely unnecessary.  I also can't say with 100% certainty that they are ethical.  I have no evidence to say otherwise.  It's just a feeling.  On more than one occasion we were told we would be able to meet her birth family.  We offered to travel to see them.  To pay for any expenses.  We were told that would happen.  It didn't.  We never received an explanation.  How can someone who vows to help adopted children not do the one thing that will help them feel connected to their birth family?  It doesn't make sense.  The other side of the bitterness coin is gratefulness.  Without them, I would not have her.

I'm also bitter for what our experience was in Ehtiopia.  I hear families talk about how wonderful their trip was.  How they fell in love with Ethiopia.  How they can't wait to go back.  Us?  Not so much.  We were the ONLY family there.  We had no one to talk to.  We did NO site seeing because we didn't have anyone to help us.  Any time we asked to go anywhere we were rushed from one place to another.  Almost like he was checking us off his "to do" list for the day.  I'm sad I don't have that love for her country.  We absolutely plan on going back.  When they are older and can understand what we are seeing and doing. And we will go with a guide.

I didn't know she wasn't doing it..
There are so many things I didn't realize she didn't do, until she starts doing them.  For so long she didn't laugh.  And then one day I tickled her and she laughed.  It took her a long time to learn to cry.  Georgia says she learned it didn't get her anywhere, so she didn't do it.  We actually had to teach her to cry.  She is very very good at it now.  She didn't let me comfort her when she was sad.  I excused it away for awhile until I decided I needed to address it.  She didn't get upset when I left the room.  Now she only gets upset if she is sad or tired.  If she is happily playing then she's fine if she can't see me.  She still doesn't mind being left at the babysitters.  She didn't cuddle until the last few weeks.  Now she'll rest her head on my shoulder and pat my back.  She didn't give kisses, and today she did.  Every day she becomes a little more comfortable with us.  I'm waiting for that day when she learns that I'm indispensable.


Little things I have learned.
Georgia told us that when we are with the baby be with the baby.  Meaning, be on the floor with her.  Play with her.  Hold her.  The dishes can wait.  You can always wear clothes twice.  But she needs us to BE with her.  This has probably been the most valuable piece of advice I have ever had.  Some days I can't stand my house.  Dishes from breakfast are still sitting at bedtime.  Baskets of laundry in various stages of cleanliness are in every room.  But those days, I was WITH her.  And I can tell those days make a difference.  Those days have helped us become even closer.

Nothing is forever.  For the first 3 months she was home, she would only sleep at nap if I held her.  So I did.  An hour and a half twice a day, every day.  (thus the hours and hours of TV Makenna has watched).  I became very good friends with my iPod.  They helped her get her much needed sleep and I think helped her learn to trust me.  She knew that she could go to sleep and wake up and see the same face.  But, I had to go back to work and couldn't very well ask the babysitter to do that.  And, it would also be bad for attachment.  So I worked.  First, keeping her in the same position but laying down on the bed.  Then laying down on the bed touching.  Then laying on the bed a foot away.  Then sitting at the foot of the bed.  Then getting her into her own crib.  It didn't seem possible but she now naps in her pack n play by herself.  She couldn't sleep through the night.  Slowly we have been able to tweak a bottle or change her blankets and she can sleep for 6 or  7 hours.  She was waking up because she couldn't find her binkie.  So I started putting about 3 or 4 binkies in every night and she sleeps better now.  I think it is called a "target rich environment."  Things that seem so hard can be changed.  You just have to work at it.

Would I do it again?
5 months ago I would have laughed at that question.  3 months ago I would have laughed.  Now I laugh for a completely different reason.  I would absolutely do this again.  I think it is harder than giving birth.  Even though Makenna's birth was horrible and pretty darn scary, I felt like I had a teenie tiny bit of control for a little while.  I controlled what I ate, what I did, where I went.  With adoption you have zippo for control.  Everything is at the mercy of some agency or government.  All of your dreams are wrapped up in some paperwork that someone you will never meet looks at and decides if you will be a good parent.  Everyone is a good parent on paper.

So that's it.  That's my thoughts at 6 months old.  Sometimes it feels like 6 years.  Sometimes it feels like 6 minutes.  I can't believe she is already starting to be a toddler.  It feels like we just entered baby hood and now we are leaving.  I am so in awe at the beautiful family I have.  I wonder what this post will be 6 months from now.

xoxo